Key takeaway: Serial tardiness is not a character flaw or a time management problem. It’s an energy management problem.

We all know at least one person who’s always late to everything. If that person is you, the good news is, you don’t have to live this way if you don’t want to. I’ll explain how.

What does serial tardiness look like?

Serial tardiness is being late to everything with or without just cause, from a few minutes up to hours late. I don’t mean being late once in a while, but being late at least 9 out 10 times. It doesn’t matter if an event is personal or work-related, far away or close by, early in the morning or late at night. Serial tardiness is being late Every. Single. Time. You even show up late to your own wedding.

The habitually late always have an excuse. Traffic was bad. You had car trouble. You were busy with the kids. Your mom called as you walked out the door. Your alarm didn’t go off, or you’re not a morning person, or you had a rough night. You’re buying a house and it’s the only time you can get a showing (hey, this housing market is hot!). Eventually you admit, “that’s just who I am.”

Is being late really a problem?

You tell yourself and anyone who listens, “Time is a social construct. It’s a cultural thing. Only in America are people obsessed with time.”

You tell yourself it’s okay to be late to activities with friends and family, “I’m always on time for work things. But it’s different for non-work things. That’s less formal.”

It’s not that you disrespect other people’s time. You’re just on CPT (colored people time). Is it really a problem?

It’s a problem if you can’t control it, if you can’t stop even when you want to. It’s a problem if it has caused tension in your relationships. It’s a problem if it sucks the joy out of everyone involved, if it makes the people waiting feel disrespected and unloved and makes you feel guilty and disappointed in yourself. It’s a problem if you can’t turn off this behavior on command.

Is serial tardiness really a problem? Yes, it’s  a symptom of severe and prolonged burnout, a sign that you’re not living true to your desires, depleting your energy to keep up with others’ expectations.

Angelina Tram Nguyen

Not late, just flaky

In attempt to manage serial tardiness, some people exhibit a cousin symptom: serial flakiness. You cancel and/or reschedule regularly. You’d make plans to do something at a time you proposed, then a few hours or even a few minutes prior, you’d reschedule. You’d apologize every time, then you’d do it again. Or you don’t show up at all and text to apologize and/or reschedule after the fact. Or you just ghost, no call, no text.

Let’s be honest, serial flakiness is not any better than serial tardiness. It’s a problem if you can’t turn it off, if it has caused issues in your relationships, if it makes you ashamed of yourself, or any combination of the aforementioned.

Serial tardiness is not a character problem

It’s not that you are a bad person. You don’t want to be late. You don’t mean to disrespect anyone with your tardiness. You value their time, just not your own time.

You are a loving person. You are nice and polite. You’re considerate and capable of showing respect and love in countless ways, just not by showing up on time.

It’s not that you’re irresponsible or weak-willed either. Many people who have this lifestyle are incredibly intelligent and accomplished. You have big life plans and you achieve your goals as planned.

Tardiness is not a time management problem

You are capable of managing your time. You are on time when it’s important to you, like a job interview or a big work presentation. You get stuff done and may even be more productive than most of us. You are aware of time management tools and actively use them, from a calendar app to a wristwatch to a notebook planner.

There’s this theory that habitually late people estimate having more time than they actually do, termed a “tidsoptimist.” If you think you can drive across town in 40 minutes for a meeting, you don’t leave your house until exactly 40 minutes prior. You don’t schedule buffer time for traffic, parking, walking from your car to the building, or stopping for gas. If you have an hour before that event, you try to fit in a 20-minute task before leaving and still plan to arrive on time.

I argue that a tidsoptimist’s thinking is a symptom, not the root cause.

Serial tardiness is a symptom of a depleted soul staying busy in hopes of becoming good enough. The harder you try, the busier you are, the more depleted you feel, and the more often you’re late.

Angelina Tram Nguyen

Tardiness is an energy management problem

Let’s get real: you’re late because deep in your heart you don’t want to show up at all. You either don’t want to do it or you’re tired from a dozen other obligations, so you drag my feet.

Every day, you spend  your limited willpower forcing yourself to do things that drain you rather than revitalize you. You go to class and do assignments because society says it’s what you should do. You go to work and sit in meetings that don’t need to happen because that’s what a responsible adult is supposed to do, hold a job that pays the bills. You work on projects that feel more like busywork than meaningful, impactful work because your boss assigned them to you. You grow depleted over time, and you start to show up late to obligations that drain you in your professional and personal life.

It’s not that you didn’t manage your time. It’s that you didn’t manage your energy and therefore had none left. When your friends and family want to spend time with you, you just want to rest. They propose to do something and you say yes to maintain a good relationship. You find reasons to justify your “yes” even though you’re tired. Besides, you tell yourself it’s casual fun. It’s not work, so you allow yourself to be late.

Drained energy is a result of social conditioning. You were conditioned to believe that you’re not inherently good enough, that you have to do this and that to earn your worth. You fill your calendar with things that build your resume, networking activities to get ahead, exercise and diet fads to mold your physique to fit someone else’s definition of beauty,  busy randomness to make you feel like you “have a life”, distractions to help you cope with that dissatisfaction you feel deep inside. You climb a success ladder that people say will lead to happiness, but you haven’t felt it yet, so you stay busy to avoid feeling empty.

Serial tardiness is a symptom of a depleted soul staying busy in hopes of becoming good enough. The harder you try, the busier you are, the more depleted you feel, and the more often you’re late.

So again, is serial tardiness really a problem?

Back to this important 2-part question: is serial tardiness really a problem? Yes, it’s  a symptom of severe and prolonged burnout, a sign that you’re not living true to your desires, depleting your energy to keep up with others’ expectations.

And does it need to be fixed? That’s up to you. Cutting this habit is about choosing love and respect for yourself more than anything else. It’s about knowing your priorities, choosing to do only things that truly make you feel alive, and saying no to everything else. It’s about valuing the short time you have on this Earth and not wasting it on other people’s expectations. It’s about reclaiming your life rather than letting others decide how your life should be spent. It’s about giving yourself opportunity to be the best version of you.

In doing so, your friends, family, coworkers will appreciate the real benefits of your punctuality: your respect for their time and your gift of showing up as a better version of you.

How to manage your energy better

In order to tackle the root cause of serial tardiness, you have to change your self-image: you are good enough. Really, you are. You don’t have to prove it to anyone, you just are. It’s important that you believe this truth.

Your life is meant to be spent in ways that make you feel alive and joyful. Your energy is precious. Spend it on things that light you up. Protect it from demands that kill your soul. If you’re driven to do something, you’ll show up early and enthusiastic. No excuses can stand in your way.  

If you decide to kill this habit, I humbly offer a few methods to start taking charge of your energy level so you can show up energized and happy, not late.

1. Listen to your inner voice and respect what it has to say.

Ask yourself, “how do I really feel about this?” You’ll know deep inside when you don’t actually want to do something. If it doesn’t excite you, don’t feel obligated. Respectful people will respect your wishes. If they don’t, you don’t need to keep them in your life. This is about respecting yourself and your desires. Don’t waste your willpower and energy forcing yourself to live a life you don’t enjoy. If you’re excited to do something, or if it’s important to you, you won’t be late.

2. Only say yes to things that resonate with your soul, and say no to everything else.

The best way to not be late to something is to not commit to it at all. Don’t say yes because society says you’re supposed to be doing X. Don’t say yes to people please or out of fear of hurting their feelings. Don’t say yes for fear of missing out. Don’t say yes for fear of boredom. Don’t say yes to fill up empty space on your calendar because you’re afraid of silence and stillness. In short, don’t say yes for the wrong reasons. Instead, say no for the right reasons. Say no to protect your energy and inner peace. Say no to let yourself rest. Say no to focus on your priorities, or to allow yourself opportunity to discover what your priorities are.

3. Practice saying ‘no’ clearly.

When you say no, say it without ambiguity. Don’t say maybe. Don’t postpone your no, “I’ll have to see, I’ll let you know.” Don’t give a flaky answer, “I have a meeting right before that’ll go until 2pm, I might be able to come after that.” An ambiguous ‘no’ creates baggage on your mind. You’re still on the hook. You’re still obligated to either show up or follow up. You’re also giving the other person false hope, leaving them hanging, leading them along, or making it hard for them to finalize their plan. Saying ‘no’ definitively gives closure.

4. Recognize when you need rest.

Listen to your inner feelings and respect how you feel – see a theme here? It’s okay to want to sleep, to cry, to take a long shower. It’s okay to stare into space and let your mind rest. It’s okay to do something unproductive for unwind, or do nothing at all.

5. Value rest.

In our capitalistic society, rest may feel like “doing nothing”. It’s perceived as carrying little to no productive value. But rest is necessary in order to live well. Rest allows your body and mind to recoup so that you can restart with focus and energy. Rest frees your mind to explore and be creative. Rest makes your body stronger. Rest is necessary so you can be your best. Without rest, you’re just going through the motions, not being effective.

6. Don’t schedule something without a clear purpose.

Don’t schedule professional meetings or personal get-togethers without a clear purpose. That purpose must be a worthy one, not busywork. Don’t “connect” with people you don’t resonate with because society told you it’s good to do so. It adds hectic to your day. If you decide to give your time to someone, communicate your intention clearly and make sure they know and share your values and purpose.

In order to tackle the root cause of serial tardiness, you have to change your self-image: you are good enough. Really, you are.

Angelina Tram Nguyen

This list is not exhaustive, it’s only meant to get you started. Ultimately, not being late is less about other people and more about respecting yourself and your own time. As you practice living a life true to what brings you joy, you’ll find your own ways to manage energy.

All my best, Angelina.